You’ve probably heard of the term “people pleaser” but do you know what drives selfless people to be so nice? The answer may surprise you.
At some point in your life, you may have come across the people pleaser. They are a person who goes out of their way to help others, they are the person that everyone turns to when they need help and they are the ones that never seem to get upset about anything.
On the surface, this person may seem unique and have a heart of gold. But deep down there is a reason that drives them to be at everyone’s beck and call.
If you try to please all, you please none.-Aesop
People Pleasers are consumed with getting the approval of the people in their life. And when they don’t get the recognition they think they deserve, they will become worn out, resentful, and even vengeful ( aka passive-aggressive)
That’s why if you or someone you know is a people pleaser then you need to acknowledge why you seek the approval of others in order to feel complete and valuable.
Personality Traits Of A People Pleaser
A person who seeks the validation of others will go above and beyond to help the people around them. All in the hopes that they will receive validation and love.
They are consumed with getting validation from other people and will even sacrifice their own happiness to get it.
So How do you know if someone is a people pleaser?
- They always agree with you, even when they don’t actually agree with you.
- They do things for others because they think that’s what people expect of them
- They don’t voice their concerns or opinions to keep the peace or avoid conflict.
- They try to gain your approval by doing what you ask (or telling you what you want to hear).
- They avoid saying “no” to others, even if it’s to something they don’t want to do
- They may not speak up about their needs, wants, or desires because they fear rejection.
- They feel guilty when they think about what they do want or need.
- They have difficulty setting boundaries and limits because they don’t want to hurt others’ feelings.
People pleasers are always performing a role of what they think people want rather than living their life authentically.
They are so afraid of being rejected or judged by others that they will sacrifice their mental well-being in order the make someone happy. This usually stems from neglect or bullying in early childhood.
Related: Shadow Self- Why You Need To Embrace Your Darkside
The sad part about people pleasing is that in most cases this type of person is sacrificing their self-work for people who have never even asked for their help.
Furthermore, The people they are pleasing may not even really want their help or worse may not even notice how much the people pleaser is sacrificing in order to make them happy.
Did You Know
People-pleasing behavior can be driven by a fear of rejection or a desire for acceptance and validation from others.
How Does Someone Become A People Pleaser?
There are two primary reasons why people with these personality traits can develop into people pleasers ( but these are not the only reason)
The Desire To Be Liked. This can be caused if a young child is constantly praised for doing things for others and was always criticized if they upset someone.
The Desire For Approval and Acceptance. This can stem from childhood if the child was often neglected and had to be extra good in order to receive attention.
A few common experiences a people may experience in childhood would be:
- May have been told “no” whenever they needed something
- Given the silent treatment when they misbehaved.
- Their parents might have been too busy or over-stressed to pay attention to their emotional needs
- They grew up in a traumatic household with violence ( physical or emotional)
- Had overly controlling parents who never let them develop their own independence or self-confidence
Situations such as these can leave young children feeling ignored and unimportant, especially if they aren’t allowed to express themselves freely.
Over time these experiences can lead a person to feel like their needs don’t matter, so it only makes sense that this would cause a person to continue being a people-pleaser as an adult in order to feel important or even loved.
Related: Beware: People Pleasing can Backfire
Since people pleasing is most often a learned behavior understanding the root, or underlying cause, of this behavior, can help someone move forward and stop living their life trying to please other people. It’s the first and most important step in the healing process.
Why Do People Need To Please Others?
People pleasers at the core are afraid of not being valued as a person and try their best to make sure everyone around them is happy, even if it’s at their own expense.
Out of this fear of not being valued a person will subconsciously start to ignore or even void experiences that would cause some to think less of them.
Below are things people pleasers avoid at all cost
Conflict
People who can’t stand conflict don’t just like peace, they need it. They feel uncomfortable with disagreements and want everyone to just get along. They will do anything to avoid an intense interaction with someone they’ll even abandon their own needs or beliefs to keep the peace.
Being Disliked
People pleasers fear rejection above all else and will do whatever it takes to avoid being disliked by anyone — even if that means sacrificing their own values or integrity in order to please someone else
Being Rejected
A person who is afraid of being rejected avoids confrontation at all costs because they fear rejection will make them unlovable (or “less of a person”). This is just another way a people pleaser’s insecurities come into play to make them feel like they are not good enough and no one cares about them.
Being Alone
People pleasers hate feeling left out, so they’ll usually do anything to avoid being alone. This means going on dates they don’t want to or hanging out with friends that they don’t even like.
Anger
As mentioned before People pleasers hate confrontation because they’re afraid of someone being angry at them—and this fear can be paralyzing! They’ll stay quiet during arguments and keep things buried inside and find another unhealthy way to cop with their anger. ( most usually becoming passive-aggressive)
Change
People pleasers are often afraid of making changes ( that would affect other people) because they don’t want to disappoint anyone or be rejected. This fear can keep them stuck at jobs, in relationships, or in an unhealthy situation
Are You A People Pleaser?
Individuals with these personality traits are people who have a hard time saying “no,” to others. Whether it’s to their boss, their friends, or even their family. As a result, they often feel resentful and or feel unappreciated when people don’t say yes to them.
If you are still not sure if you are a people pleaser, there are a few indications to look out for
- Never say no when people ask you for help or favors.
- Always be there for others when they need something from you.
- Put other people first before taking care of your own needs.
- Scared to express your opinions because you don’t want anyone else hurt by what you say.
- Don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by giving them your honest opinion when they ask for it.
- Take on more than you can handle because it feels like the right thing to do, but then feel overwhelmed by all of your responsibilities.
- Take on other people’s problems as your own, even when you’re not invited to do so.
- The first one people call when they need help—yet they never seem to call you for anything else.
- Feel like you have to take care of everyone around you, even when they don’t ask for help.
- Afraid that if you don’t do something for someone else, they’ll be hurt or disappointed in some way.
- Feel bad about yourself when upset others or disappoint them—even if it’s not your fault or something that could have been prevented.
DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?
Upside Of Being A People Pleaser
Being a people pleaser is not a horrible trait as long as the person knows how to recognize when people are taking advantage of them and developed strong personal boundaries.
As long as people please do not feel like they are being taken advantage of, they will be able to fully express their amazing qualities.
SO WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE BEING AROUND A PEOPLE PLEASER?
Kind To Others
They regularly go out of their way for others, even when it’s inconvenient for them.
Good Listener
They listen intently, without interrupting or judging. They focus on the other person and try not to distract them with their own problems or concerns.
Good communicator
When talking with someone, they express themselves clearly and directly so that the person they are talking to understands what they are saying and can respond appropriately.
Problem Solver
When faced with a problem (either personal or professional), most people put their own interests first before worrying about anyone else’s. But not for people pleasers, because they will make time to help someone solve their problems.
Team Player
Takes responsibility for any task given without complaining; they know that being part of something bigger than themselves means making some sacrifices along the way.
Very Friendly
They have a positive attitude and will always lighten up any room they enter.
How To Stop Being A People Pleaser
If you want to stop accommodating everyone around you, then you need to figure out what you are willing to sacrifice and what is non-negotiable. This is where a Boundary setting can protect your mental and physical well being
Related: The 3 Reasons Why You Need To Define Your Emotional Boundaries
Learn To Say No
Learn to stand up for yourself and be more assertive. There are many ways in which you can practice this for more information click HERE
If you have trouble saying no, start small by saying “no” when it comes to things that don’t matter and see how that feels. You will soon realize that saying no is not as hard as it seems and then it will be easier for you to say yes when something matters to you.
Don’t Take Things Personally
Another way of healing a people pleaser behavior is by learning not to take everything personally; It’s important not just because it’ll stop hurting when someone else says something mean about you or makes a joke at your expense, but also because they will have less power over how much pain or stress they can cause you.
Be Assertive
Becoming less of a people pleaser and more of an individual is learning how to be assertive. When someone asks for something, try giving them a sincere answer instead of just doing what they want because you feel obligated to do so. This may be hard at first, but it will get easier over time.
Related: 13 Beautiful Qualities Of An Authentic Person
Know Your Value
If you want to stop caring what people think about you then you need to start learning how to recognize your own worth and what does or doesn’t serve you.
When you learn how valuable you are, you’ll stop caring so much about what other people think of you. You’ll come to understand that the only opinion that matters is your own and how you feel about yourself.
Related: People Pleasing: the hidden dangers of being too nice
Stay Kind But Know Your Self Worth
The first step is that you need to make peace with the fact that you can be your own person and look out for your own well-being while still being kind to others. You do this through boundary setting and letting people in your life know what you are willing or not willing to compromise.
You can have your needs, wants and desires met without being a doormat for everyone else. It’s all about balancing the two—and being honest with yourself about how much time you need to spend on other people versus taking care of yourself.
This might sound like a basic life lesson—but it’s one many people struggle with when they feel like they’re always giving too much of themselves away in order to please others.
It doesn’t have to be this way! There are ways of being kind while also tending to your own well-being (which will only make you more capable of helping out when needed)
So how do you still be there for others without sacrificing who you are?
Be kind to yourself first
It’s important that you prioritize your own needs above other people’s. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by life in general or just need a break from everything, don’t feel guilty about taking some time for yourself! You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you truly want to help others then you need to be in a good place to do so. If you are tired and worn out, you are not good to anyone
Be patient with others during your healing
When you start boundary setting, the people closest to you will resist and even might be offended at first. Remember that people don’t handle change ( especially when it’s not their decision), so give them time and slowly introduce your new boundaries over time. This will give people in your life the time to adjust to the new you, its a slow process so start with baby steps and slowly add more and more boundaries
If feel like your doing something wrong remember when you’re feeling better about yourself, it’s easier to be kinder toward other people. You’ll have more energy and patience to truly help out others when needed!
Be Kind To Others While Being Kind To Yourself
This is where things get tricky because it’s not always easy when someone else wants something from you that you are not willing to give. You are your own person and there is no reason to please others, especially not at the expense of your health! But That doesn’t now mean you should be rude about it. Learn how to politely say no to things you don’t feel comfortable doing
You can’t make other people happy all of the time, but you can be kind to yourself first and then be kind to others second. This is a good way to live life!
Take Away
No one is perfect, but individuals with people pleasing behavior will try their hardest. They will do whatever it takes in order to please their loved ones and the people they care about. They will do this at the expense of their own beliefs and well-being.
If you are someone who finds yourself constantly putting others before yourself and sacrificing your wants and need then this article was written just for you!
I know it can be hard to break out of this habit, but once you start doing things for yourself first it will become easier and easier each day until eventually there won’t be anything stopping you from living a life full of happiness and freedom.
Related: Self Gaslighting: The Unheard Emotional Abuse Of Self Blaming Thoughts
