Self gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which you manipulate your own feelings and beliefs and cause yourself serious emotional pain. This is because you are denying your true feelings or thoughts about something, or changing the memory of a situation so it aligns with the critical voice in your head.
What is Self Gaslighting
Self blaming is a very specific form of gaslighting. It’s when you question your own thoughts, feelings, or experiences in an unhealthy way.
for instance, you may blame yourself for something that wasn’t even your fault, or you can become very self-critical by always thinking that you’re not good enough. This leads to feelings of low self-esteem and even low confidence in yourself.
You may be self gaslighting if you have thoughts like these:
“I must have done something wrong to deserve this.”
“I am weak for not being able to handle my emotions better.”
“I shouldn’t have said that because then they won’t like me anymore”
” Maybe I’m just remembering it wrong and it didn’t really happen the way I thought it did”
If you find that your thoughts aren’t always positive and kind towards yourself, and instead very negative and self critical, then there’s a good chance that you are gaslighting yourself.
Self blaming can be a form of emotional abuse since it can lead people down a path where they no longer trust themselves and their own thoughts end up being the cause of their emotional pain. The worst part is that gaslighting yourself can be very difficult to recognize.
You might think that you’re just being hard on yourself, but in actuality, this kind of chronic thinking can eventually cause damage to your mental health.
If we constantly subject ourselves to negative self-examination, we will start to feel worthless and ashamed. This can lead us into feeling vulnerable in ways that make us more likely to engage in destructive behaviors.
Because we are so quick to judge ourselves, we create an environment where we are unable to cope with life’s challenges in a constructive healthy way which then results in unhealthy habits to cope with things we can’t handle.
When we see ourselves as victims of life, it can be really hard to move forward. If you feel like this might be you, you may find it beneficial to check out my article Do You Have A Victim Mentality? 7 Ways To Overcome Self-Victimization
When you self-gaslight, you’re not just denying or minimizing your experiences, but also attempting to rewrite them and their impact on you.
- You minimize the impact of a situation by saying things like “It’s not that big of a deal” or “I shouldn’t care about this.” (e.g., you find out someone stolen $20 dollars from you and you don’t say anything because it’s just $20)
- You rewrite your experiences so that they don’t match up with what actually happened, this is called confabulation. (e.g You might tell yourself that your partner didn’t say anything mean to you, but instead misunderstood what you were saying).
- You may try to convince yourself that an incident never happened (e.g., “I don’t think that person was actually being mean,” or “It’s not fair to say they ignored me; maybe they were just busy?”).
- You could convince yourself that an incident didn’t have the negative effect on you that it did (e.g., “I’m sure I’m overreacting” or “I’ve done much worse things in my life—does this really matter anymore?”).
- You might even attempt to convince yourself that the incident had a positive effect on you (e.g., “I’m so glad that happened because it taught me an important lesson,”
All of these things are examples of self gaslighting—and you may find yourself engaging in them without being aware of the motives behind them.
Why do people gaslight themselves?
The first and most important thing to understand about self gaslighting is that it’s not a choice. It’s a coping mechanism for people who have been gaslighted in the past, or for those who have low self-esteem due to abuse or trauma.
Related: The 10 Signs of Gaslighting: Protect Yourself Against This Narcissist Behavior
When a person begins to believe negative perceptions of themselves are true, they tend to think and act in ways that reinforce those beliefs.
They might struggle with feeling as though they’re “too much” or “not enough.” This can lead them to believe that their needs and emotions aren’t valid—or that they should ignore them entirely in order to please others instead.
Because self gaslighting is a form of self-abuse, it can lead to pain and suffering that we internalize within ourselves. Eventually, this emotional pain will become too much to handle and we will begin seeking other ways to numb the negative feeling within us.
Self-abuse is any action you take that causes harm to physical or your mental health.
Self-abuse can manifest as a variety of behaviors, including eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, and being constantly self critical of yourself. The more you engage in these behaviors, the stronger they become and the harder they are to break.
This is why It’s important to recognize self gaslighting as a form of self abuse and address it immediately because it can lead to long-term mental health issues.
How Do You Know If You're Gaslighting Yourself?
If you’re like most people, and you’ve ever found yourself second-guessing what you think or feel about something, that’s a sign of self-gaslighting.
You might be saying things to yourself like:
- “I can’t be right since everyone else thinks differently.”
- “Maybe I’m overreacting?”
- “I can’t be sure if this is true or not.”
- “Maybe I’m just being too sensitive.”
“Am I just making things up?”
While these thoughts from time to time are not necessarily a bad thing, the problem is once these thoughts become automatic responses rather than actual observations they can start to feel like reality.
Related: 11 Signs You Don’t Trust Yourself And Letting Self Doubt Sabotage You.
If we are constantly questioning our own thoughts and feelings, then it can become difficult for us to trust our own experiences—and that’s when we start down the slippery slope into full-blown self-doubt and anxiety.
6 signs you're gaslighting yourself
1. Lack of self-confidence
When you constantly put yourself down and blame yourself, you are gaslighting yourself into believing that you aren’t good enough. You might say things like: “I’m just not good at anything.” or “I don’t deserve to be happy/successful.”
If thoughts like these have been plaguing you for some time now it could be a sign that you are suffering from low confidence and self-esteem. It can be hard to break out of these negative thought patterns, but being aware of them is the first step in doing so.
If limiting Beliefs Holding You Back? These 6 Tips Will Improve Your Self Worth
2. Justifying other people's bad behavior
If you’re self gaslighting, your tendency will be to blame yourself for others’ bad behavior or try to make excuses for them by explaining away their actions.
Here is how you might be doing this:
- You’re constantly justifying other people’s bad behavior by making excuses for them or trying to explain why they are acting out.
- You feel like it’s your fault when someone else treats you badly and try to make up for it by giving more of yourself (time, energy, etc.).
- You are always apologizing and don’t even sure what you did wrong
- You feel like you have to agree with everything someone says, otherwise, they’ll get upset with you
Since self gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, eventually you will start questioning your own sanity when surrounded by negative people. You may even start to question whether or not you are a good person and if there is something wrong with you.
3. Always Apologizing
Constantly apologizing and feeling like you’re doing something wrong can erode your confidence, and cause stress and anxiety, making it difficult to relax and be yourself around people.
This can also make you feel like you’re in the wrong, even when you’re not. You might even start to apologize for things that aren’t your fault or that you have no control over —for example, apologizing for someone else’s a bad mood.
If you are overly apologetic and constantly trying to keep everyone happy, chances are that you do this at the expense of your own self-worth. Eventually, you will start to feel resentment and anger toward those around you who don’t seem to care about how you feel.
If this sounds familiar, you may have had similar thoughts like these.
- “I should have texted him back faster. He probably thinks I don’t care about him anymore.”
- “If only I had said what I felt, we wouldn’t have had this argument!”
- “I shouldn’t have said anything; now everyone thinks I’m crazy and annoying.”
If you think this way for long enough, it will begin to feel like everything is your fault. And if you blame yourself for every bad thing that happens around you, well that will eventually lead to feelings of anxiety and constant self blame.
Related: 7 Easy Ways To Stop Caring What People Think Of You
4. You feel everything is your fault
If you have a tendency to blame yourself for everything bad that happens in your life or some else life, it’s time to take a closer look at where those thoughts are coming from.
The first step is to get rid of all of your negative self-talk. In order to do this, you have to be aware of what thoughts are going through your mind at any given time. This may sound like an impossible task, but it’s not.
All it takes is a little training and repetition. The next time you start thinking about how something bad happened because of something you did or didn’t do, stop yourself and replace those thoughts with more positive ones.
So next time when something goes wrong, don’t immediately assume that it’s because of something you did or didn’t do. Instead, take some time to think about what happened and how it could have been prevented.
5. Constantly feeling ashamed and unworthy
Many people who are chronically self blaming themselves have an extremely low sense of self-worth and are very self-critical, especially when it comes to the things they say or do.
This feeling of not being worthy can manifest in many ways:
- Feeling like you are not good enough
- Feeling like you are not smart enough
- Feeling like you were not attractive enough
- Feeling like you were not talented enough
- Feeling like you were not loved enough
When you’re gaslighting yourself, it is common to experience these intense feelings of shame and unworthiness. But the more you are able to recognize these false thoughts, the better equipped you will be to break the cycle.
You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge and understanding why those feelings come up is an important first step in acknowledging your self criticism.
6. Don't trust your own memories
The most insidious part of gaslighting is that it makes you question your own memories.
When you constantly think of a false statement about yourself over and over again, it is easy to begin to reject the actual truth. We essentially are tricking our brains into thinking what we want it to think, not matter if it’s a good or bad thought.
Eventually, you might find yourself questioning your memories. You might ask yourself:
- Did that really happen?
- Did I forget something important?
- Am I misremembering what happened?
- Maybe I didn’t even experience what I thought I experienced.
- Maybe the whole thing is just a figment of my imagination
- Was I really paying attention to what was happening at the time, or was my mind somewhere else?
When you can’t trust your own memories anymore it makes it very hard to trust yourself. That’s why we need to be careful about what thoughts we allow our minds to entertain.
How To Stop Blaming Yourself
Self-blame can be a vicious cycle. We feel guilty about something, and then we blame ourselves for feeling that way — which makes us feel even worse!
In order to stop gaslighting yourself, you have to first acknowledge the fact that you do it. In other words, you need to be honest with yourself and admit that your negative thoughts are not based on reality.
This can be a difficult step; after all, we’re so used to believing these thoughts that they seem like facts instead of what they really are which are simply stories we’ve told ourselves over time.
When you are constantly blaming yourself, it is easy to get lost in the downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings. But you need to find a way out of this vicious cycle so that you can stop blaming yourself.
4 ways to stop blaming yourself
1. Know your triggers
In order for this to happen, you need to identify what is triggering your self blaming pattern. By doing so, you will be able to more easily spot these triggers when they occur and work on avoiding them in the future.
When you know what triggers your self blaming mindset, you can start to identify what leads up to those moments.
So the next time you have an episode where you get caught up in a negative thought cycle, just sit with yourself and
Answer These Questions Truthfully And Without Judgment.
- Are your thoughts actually accurate or are you making up a story?
- What feeling are you trying to suppress? and allow yourself to feel those feelings
- Are there outside circumstances in your life that might be contributing tp these thoughts?
- Are these requiring thoughts that you have and where did they originate from?
- Can you replace that negative inner thought with a positive thought?
Once you’ve identified what triggers your gaslighting behavior, try to step back and see if there’s any other way of looking at the situation. Ask yourself: “What else could this mean?” or “How would someone who loves me respond?”
For more on identifying your emotional triggers Click here
2. Challenge your thoughts
Negative thoughts are often based on incorrect interpretations of a situation or an exaggerated fear of what might happen. This is why positive thinking is a powerful tool that can help you overcome the negative thinking that often leads to self gaslighting behavior.
Once you’ve identified what triggers your gaslighting behavior, try to step back and see if there’s any other way of looking at things. Ask yourself:
- What else could this mean?
- How would someone who loves me respond?
- Is this really true? What evidence do I have?
- Has this happened before in similar situations? How did I react then? How did it work out in the end?
- Do I really know what will happen if I don’t change my behavior now (or make other changes)?
- Is there another way to view this situation that makes it less scary than what I’m currently thinking about it?
So next time you feel trapped in a pattern of negative thoughts about yourself, try to get more realistic by questioning your self-criticisms.
3. Replace a negative with a positive
Once you become aware of the negative thought, try replacing it with a positive counterthought. For example, if the thought “I always screw up” is ruining your day, challenge it with something like “I’m doing my best and making progress.”
Simply rephrasing the same information in a different way can make you feel better and not cause you emotional pain.
Here are some more examples of how to switch a negative thought with a positive one:
- Instead of saying “I should be better at this”, try saying “I’m not good at this right now.”
- Instead of saying “I’m such an idiot”, try saying “It’s okay that I made a mistake.”
- Instead of saying: “I never get anything right” say: “It will take some practice before I get this right.”
- Instead of saying “I’m not good at this” say: “This is hard but I’ll keep trying because it’s important to me.”
4. Forgive yourself for gaslighting yourself
It’s hard to forgive yourself for negative self-talk because it feels like you are admitting that there is something wrong with you, or that you have failed as a person somehow. But in reality, this isn’t true at all! You are not your thoughts only a reflection of your thoughts.
Everyone deserves compassion and forgiveness when they make mistakes or have negative thoughts. Don’t be hard on yourself if you make a mistake or say something negative about yourself; just forgive and move on.
Remember that negative experiences and thoughts are a normal part of being human. Learn from them, but don’t let yourself be defined by them
The more you practice self-compassion, the easier it will be for you to do. The more you are able to recognize and accept your thoughts without judging them, the less power they will have over you. Self-compassion is an important part of living a fulfilling life because it helps us feel better about ourselves and our actions; it also helps us focus on what is important instead of what is wrong with ourselves or others.
Takeaway
Self gaslighting can be caused by stress, anxiety, depression, emotional abuse — or any combination of these factors.
If you’re feeling any of those things in conjunction with one another, then this may be why your inner voice has decided that it’s time for a break from reality and started questioning everything around you.
It’s important not to put up with self gaslighting because even though it might not seem like a big deal at first glance, Over time this kind of thinking can become destructive. and will lead you down an endless negative spiral that can lead to serious mental health issues.
“ Talk to yourself as you would someone you love ”
Brene Brown
