Welcome to Peacefully Healthy. My name is Naz and I created this blog to help me move forward in my pursuit to create a peaceful and stress free life. If you would like to know more about who I am and why I strive for a simple and calm life, then keep on reading.
Like the majority of people in this world, I have had to deal with ongoing hardships and stresses in my life, which ultimately led to ongoing health issues and massive weight gain (253lbs and a size 20). Over the past few years, I have made it my focus to heal from the past, make peace with my present and create a healthy happy future for myself.
Now I am not going to go into too much detail ( but it’s still going to be lengthy cause a lot happened). I believe the most important part of the healing journey is not to dwell on the past. Things happen, they affect you, they change you, sacrifices are made that even derail you in your life purpose/goals.
If we keep replaying our past events, it prevents us from engaging with the present and focusing on the future. Our Thoughts create how we view the world and if we keep focusing on all the bad stuff we went through we will never be able to enjoy the beautiful moments in life.
with that said let’s dive in.
The 2010’s
The summer of 2010 is when life to seem to hit me with the Holy Crap smack in the face and kept on going until about 2018. Just for reference the picture on the left is me from early 2010 at 26 and the picture on the right was taken 5 years later when I was 31. By this point, I had gained a massive amount of weight, was under chronic stress, and dealing with an unknown autoimmune issue.
Picture was taken 5 years apart I was 26 on the left and 31 on the right
So what happened?
well, it wasn’t that something happen to me, it was more being the supporting person to a family member’s trauma/addiction that took a toll on me.
Just to clarify, I am fully aware that whatever struggles I might have had to deal with, doesn’t even remotely come close to the intensity of pain my family member was going through .
I do refer them to as family member simply because their story is not my story to tell, and I feel it is up to them if they would like share their full story
Anyone who has had to be on the other side of a person’s addiction, knows how painful it is to watch them slowly destroy themselves, knowing that you don’t have the power to do anything to stop it. Having to deal with the guilt of being so angry and even hating someone you love deeply, over something they can not control.
My family and I went through the emotions and did everything we could to help them. Even to the point where the cops threatened to arrest us for calling them so much and the hospital staff knew who we were the moment we walked in through the emergency door.
2010-2013
During the first year, I was finishing up my bachelor’s degree as well as working full time to pay the rent and bills. That in itself is stressful, but adding a destructive home life on top that is not a good mixture. Once I graduated I ended up working 2 jobs just to pay the bills ( when you live in a city like Vancouver, you need 2 jobs)
A normal day during this time
get up and check on my family member to make sure they were ok and breathing
get ready and go to school /work. Throughout the day I would check my phone to see if there are any updates ( a bunch of missed calls meant my family member was in the hospital or cops had been called over again)
I would then go home and start my watch shift (my other family members and I took turns: 1 had the day shift, 1 had the evening shift and 1 had the graveyard shift ..like I said we did everything we could to keep them alive)
By the end of the second year, I had started to feel the effects of stress on my body. Between finishing my bachelor’s degree and then working 2 jobs, all while trying to help a family member not die from their addiction.
I am not trying to mellow dramatic here, but there were many instances then I can count where my family member almost didn’t make it. And let me tell you, shit gets real when you are sitting in a hospital room and a grief counselor comes into console you and begins talking to you about funeral planning.
My First Panic Attack
I was just finishing work and on my way to go to my 2nd job that night. I usually walked after work, since it took an hour, and I could actually enjoy a moment of calmness and just relax.
The night before I had spent the evening in the hospital waiting room until a little after midnight ( this was after a fulls day of work). I was exhausted when I went to work the next day. I was working as an administrative sales assistant for 2 sales reps that never communicated with each other on what projects they were giving me, which created a very stressful work environment.
I had just left work and was on my way to my evening shift at my other job, I started to feel my heart just pound in my chest. I was at the entrance of a bridge I usually walked over and just leaned against the railing to catch my breath. My heart just kept pounding harder and I could feel the muscle in my chest rip as my body tensed up. I found it extremely hard to breathe, and I started gasping for air. My whole body just went numb as I collapsed to the ground and broke out crying in the middle of the sidewalk. For about 10 minutes I could not move, I was just frozen in the middle of the streets, unable to breathe and crying my eyes out.
Eventually, I caught my breath, I should have gone to the hospital, but I was running late for my next shift. So I put on my headphones, turned up the music, and mentally prepared myself to go into work. I walked in as if nothing had happened and everything was fine.
It took about a month for the pain in my chest to go away, my chest muscles felt as though I had overdone it at the gym doing chest presses. Before that moment I never had a panic/anxiety attack, but to this day whenever I feel stressed or in a stressful environment my chest tenses up, and my heart starts pounding, it’s just how my body responds to stress now.
Looking back this event was when my body started to fall apart from stress and my autoimmune issues started to creep in.
2013-2015
My family member is in recovery. So life can get back to normal? Nope.
By this time my family member did get sober and has been sober ever since. Not an easy feat and we could not be more proud and thankful.
So what was the turning point? Remember when I said what I was going through was not even close, compared to what my family member had to deal with. I can not stress this point enough
They were recovering from pneumonia and went to bed one night. The next day I check in on them and saw that they were still sleeping, so I went to work. Now, this is something I’m still upset about, I didn’t find out any of the following had happened until after I was finished work that day. I wish I was called sooner, so I could have been there for support.
30 minutes after I had left, another family member went up to check on them and saw that they were not breathing and blood was coming out of their mouth. ( we were told that if the ambulance was called just 10 minutes later they would have died). there wasn’t even time for a stretcher, they came in, wrapped them in a sheet, and brought them down to the ambulance ( luckily we only lived a few blocks from the hospital).
Since the hospital staff was very familiar with us at this point, they had assumed that they had overdosed and toe tag them for the morgue that said “ready to go” on it. One nurse saw them faintly breathing and immediately gave them a shot of Narcan.
From what I heard afterward, the Narcan had created an allergic reaction and caused their whole body to ballon up and blister in some places. To stop the swelling and possible brain damage, they had to induce a coma. ( to this day they suffer from chronic nerve pain/damage from the blister crushing their hand)
Now imagine you go to bed one night and wake up in the hospital a week later unable to move, tubs in your throat, thinking you are paralyzed and not able to ask what happened. If that does not scare you in sobering up, nothing will.
*There a few moments a feel forever guilt over and this is one of them. Had I taken the time to properly check on my family member, instead of just opening the door to see if they were breathing. I would have seen they needed help. The Ambulance would have been called sooner, the hospital wouldn’t have been in a rush to save them, they may not have been given Narcan, and they may not have had a lifelong chronic nerve pain problem. I always think about what if no one else checked in on them, they would have died when I could have prevented it, that would have destroyed me. A person can go mad thinking about the what if’s.
A few months had passed, and things had started to get back to semi-normal. My family was doing better, things were more relaxed and we could enjoy life again.
Autoimmune System has now gone rouge
It was 2013 when I first started to notice something was not right with my body. At this point, I had been under chronic stress for 3 years and was operating under survival mode daily.
My symptoms went unnoticed for a while, I was just feeling exhausted all the time. I would wake up each morning feeling like I had not slept for weeks.
Before I knew my exhaustion was from working 2 jobs and taking care of a sick family member. But I was only working 1 job, my family member was in recovery and doing well. So why was I so tired all the time?
Then the stiffness set in. I would wake up unable to move, my body refused to move. My skin felt thick like I was wearing a suit of armor. I would wake up each morning by slowly stretching each body part one by one. I would then roll onto my side so I could slide off the bed. Eventually, I would be on my hands and knees on the floor doing cat-cow stretches just to get my body warmed up and mobile. It had gotten to the point where it took me 30 minutes just to be able to get out of bed and head over to the shower each morning.
It still hadn’t clued in that something was not right. at this point, I had gained 60 lbs in 4 years and believed my body was stiff from the amount of weight I gained. But then my hair started to fall out. It started as a few strands in the shower. Those strands then turned into chunks. My hair still hasn’t fully grown back to this day.
Ok time to go see the doctor. My mom suffers from a thyroid issue, and I was showing all the symptoms. So it must be my thyroid. Nope. My Doctor ran the test and my thyroid was normal. I was told that I needed to get the weight down and eat healthier ( in all fairness he was not wrong).
Now, anyone who has had a health issue while also overweight, I’m sure has heard this before. In most cases, this is very true advice. But in my opinion, when a person is overweight and goes to the doctor trying to figure out why they are in pain or sick, it is always chalked up to their weight, and in most instances, this is the case, but sometimes it’s not just the weight that’s the only issue.
When it was determined that my thyroid was fine, my doctor decided to send me for some more tests. he said that I was showing some signs of rheumatoid arthritis and wanted to rule it out. By this time I was not able to fully close my hands, since they had fully stiffened up. It became hard to even hold a pen and write.
1 1/2 years of tests and doctors
My doctor wanted to rule everything out, my first round of blood tests, they took 17 tubes. I remember the nurse asking me what I did to piss him off. When I went to go find out about my results, I found out that the tests for Rheumatoid Arthritis came back negative. Great! However, My inflammation markers were extremely high and my ANA autoimmune tests came back positive ( An ANA test looks for antinuclear antibodies in your blood. If the test finds antinuclear antibodies in your blood, it could mean you have an autoimmune disorder).
Round 2 of blood work. they only took 15 tubes this time. when I went back for my results my doctor said my Lupus test had come back positive. and that he would have to refer me to an internal health specialist at this point.
Now I live in Canada, our health care is free but not efficient. I waited 6 months for my internal health specialist appointment. In those 6 months, I started to develop more symptoms.
The worst of it was the burning sensation on my arms and chest. They would last minutes or even hours and came out of nowhere. It felt like my skin was being burned off with a lighter. I would look down at my arm, which felt like it was on fire, and there was no indication that anything was wrong, no redness or swelling. There were a few instances I broke down crying , it was just too painful and nothing would make the sensation go away. Just had to wait it out.
a few of the other symptoms I experienced were:
foggy brain moments. I felt so disoriented and confused about what was going on around me. One minute I would be fine and next I felt like I was completely stoned out of my mind.
Sensitivity to the light. This was not all the time, but every so often I would wake up and could feel the light pierce my eyes. Some days I would have to call into work sick and spend the day laying down in a dark room.
Rashes and welts. I still deal with this problem today. I would feel an intense itch on my face, chest, or even arms, and the next thing a huge welt would appear. these welts would last a few minutes or even a few hours and then would disappear. On some occasions, I would wake up and look in the mirror and noticed a faint red rash on my face or neck.
Mouth Blisters: These were not that bad, I would develop little soars or blister in my mouth or around my gums. The just looked kind of gross and would sting a bit depending on what food I was eating.
Kidney pain: oh the kidney pain, these were intense. I started with a bruised feeling in my back( right around the kidneys). after a few days, the pain would go away. However, there were a few occasions I had to go into the emergency room. The pain would get to the point where I couldn’t even lay down on my back and it would become difficult to breathe. They would check my vitals, send me for an ultrasound and always tell me that they couldn’t find what the problem was, and everything looked fine, and I would be sent home.
By the time I had my first appointment with the internal health specialist, my symptoms had become more intense and frequent. It was the same drill, send me for blood work, go back in a few weeks and get my results, then send me for more blood work, wait a few weeks to get my results. But my third appointment, my doctor said that he could not determine what I had but all my tests were pointing to an autoimmune connective tissue disorder and I would have to see another doctor who specializes in this disorders.
I only had to wait 4 months for this appointment.
By this time, it had been over a year since my symptoms first started and I was so tired of being sick and tired. I didn’t care what I had, I just wanted a diagnosis so I could start my treatment and work on getting better.
I had a full evaluation, the doctor went over my previous blood test and asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms. I remember him saying that I did meet some of the criteria for determining if I had Lupus. There are 11 markers and I had like 7 or 8 of them, but my symptoms were all borderline and not severe enough to be able to clinically diagnose me. He wanted to run a few more blood tests.
I had to wait 2 months before I was able to see him again. I had walked into the clinic and they informed me that the doctor was running behind and would be late. I waited over 2 hours in the examination room for him to come in. He eventually came in with my chart and said the following to me.
At this point, we are not able to narrow down what is going on with you. we are going to have to wait until your symptoms become more serious before we can be able to diagnose and treat you. You are still young and this may even clear up on its own.
Then he left the room. that was it is. No, follow-up appointment, no referrals, not even a recommendation on a proper diet or exercise plan that could help. I was given no help from the health care system on how to get better. At this point, I was fully on my own to heal myself.
Let food be your medicine and medicine be your food
I was 31 years old, overweight, and dealing with an unknown autoimmune issue that my doctors couldn’t figure out. I was ready to try anything to get better.
I was searching youtube for natural cures for an autoimmune issue and came across the healing benefits of a raw food vegan diet. It felt like the right move to make. I binged watch all the videos I could on raw food, raw food recipes, and started my raw food cleanse later that week.
By the end of the 1st week, all my symptoms had vanished. Not only was I feeling better but I had a crazy amount of energy. I could not stop moving from the amount of energy I had, and on top of that, I only needed 5 or 6 hours of sleep each night. I ended up doing the cleanse for 6 weeks, I would have gone on longer, but it was costing me $200 a week in groceries and I just couldn’t afford it anymore. Best money I ever spent
Since then I do stick to a mostly whole food diet and try not to eat any packaged food. I start every day with Kimberly Snyders glowing green smoothie and load it up with all the green powders I can. There are times I slip and start eating garbage food, but after a few days I can feel my body stiffing up and if eat badly for a few weeks my symptoms will start to return one by one.
I honestly don’t know if my health issue is autoimmune-related or if I am allergic to something in processed food. I have had all the food allergy tests and they all came back negative. It is a complete mystery of what is going on with my body. All I know is that if I eat whole nutritious food, move my body and try not to get stressed out, I feel for the most part ok. But it doesn’t take much for my body to have a tantrum if I don’t take care of it properly.
2015-1018
yeah, I’m not sick anymore I can now enjoy life again. Nope
By the end of 2015, I was feeling better and I had lost some weight. But there was one issue that had not been resolved and that was my back pain. I first noticed there was something wrong with my back when I was dealing with my health issues, but it was not my main concern at the time. It started as a stiff back from sitting all day at work and then became more and more painful over the next few months. I was living on my own and I could not afford to take time off work, I just went into work every day and sat through the pain.
One day I got up for work and could not move or stand up straight. I called my dad over and he took me to the hospital. I was given an anti-inflammatory and morphine shot and told to go for a walk. So I did. I was walking down the street high on morphine. I then felt this intense pressure in my lower back and I could feel the disc slide back into place ( weirdest feeling ever). It wasn’t until later when I had an x-ray, I found out my L4 disc had slipped out.
I would like to say that my back was better, but it wasn’t. I spent 2 years with constant back pain( I mean constant, there was not one day where I did not have horrible back pain). I did everything to get my back better. I went to yoga, chiropractors, physical therapy and even bought an inversion table.
I’ve had ultrasounds and an MRI on my back and found that not only had some nerve endings died off from being continually crushed but my whole right hip is surrounded by scar tissue now. The only reason I am not in constant pain is that some nerve endings have died off. So no back pain but also numbness in my toes.
I still do suffer from low-level back pain and stiffness, it’s never fully gone away. If I sit for more than an hour straight or if I don’t exercise/stretch for a few days my back will stiffen up and the pain will start to increase. And as a bonus, every so often I’ll move a certain way and I can feel my disc click/pop between the vertebrae.
So, to sum up, as long as I eat healthily and exercise I feel great. As soon as I eat badly and do not move my body I go into a flare-up and my back goes out. My body is literally forcing me to eat healthier and exercise.
Ugh, I am so tired and in pain. Let’s just go on autopilot
By 2016 I was so worn out and drained. I had spent the last 6 years dealing with an addict, unknown health issues, chronic back pain, and the loss of my gramma to colon cancer in 2015.
I had completely emotionally shut down. I had no energy for life. I lived each day on routine. Get up, go to work, go home, eat dinner and watch tv.
I would force myself to go out with friends and put on a happy face, pretend I was having fun. The whole time I wanted to be back home and by myself. I dreaded having to go out with friends, but I knew if I canceled too often, I would eventually lose them as friends.
I wouldn’t say I was depressed, I was just so used to living in survival mode and chronic pain, I eventually became numb to life and people around me. I didn’t feel sad or happy, I had zero emotions. I just was just empty and depleted.
This did eventually change in 2017 when I moved in with some friends. There was finally some normality in my life and I think was the start of my healing journey.
Between Game/movie nights, and entertaining our mutual friends throughout the week. I was able to somewhat snap out of my autopilot mode. It was just nice to have fun and not be surrounded by negative problems all the time. But it was not enough to fully help me get better.
When I was no longer living in survival mode, I started to realize how much of my life I had missed out on the last 7 years. Don’t get me wrong, I did have some good times over the years as well, but I knew I would have had deeper meaningful friendships and experiences if I had not been dealing with everything I had to deal with. I knew my life would have been drastically different, I would be a completely different person had life been easier and not full of so much drama.
I felt lost in life, not sure what I wanted to do, what I wanted out of life. Now, this was a good thing, considering I spent the last few years living day by day with no goals, ambition, or zest for life.
I remember the day, it was in November of 2017, I was at work and talking to a friend about how I just needed a break from life. And it hit me, my family’s house. My parents owned a house in the Shuswap region of British Columbia, and it had been empty for a few years. I felt this strong urge to pack up my stuff and leave. I decided right there that I was going to take a few months off from life and live up in the Shuswap during the spring and summer. I would come back look for a new job, a new apartment, and start over refreshed. ( spoiler alert I still live in the Shuswap)
As soon as I made my decision, everything fell into place. I had 3 people ask me to house sit for them back to back, so I didn’t have to pay rent. My work asked me to stay for an extra month, and a family friend offered to sell us a great car for really cheap ( you need a car in the Shuswap). When I decided to move in November I had $150 in my savings account. When I made the move in April I had $7000 in my account. I had not even thought of saving money for my move, but between not paying rent, working, and receiving my vacation pay I unintentionally saved enough money to live off for a few months.
When you feel a huge urge to make a life change, go with it. God/Universe will make sure everything falls into place for you.
Um is it safe to enjoy life now? Yes!!!!!, well maybe
In 2010, I was 160lbs, had zero health issues, was just finishing school, full of ambition, and had lots of goals for my future. By the end of 2017, I was 253 lbs, exhausted, emotionally drained, sick, had no idea what to do with my life, and $15,000 in debt ( shopping therapy, food, weddings, baby showers..ect)
I had given up everything to take this time for myself. I would not allow myself to feel guilty for not working or being lazy, I deserved this time, I earned it. I committed to being healthy. I joined weight watchers to get my weight down. I had gained 90lbs in 8 years. During that first year, I caught up on a lot of reading, spent time by the lake ( 10 min walk from my house), and found a new passion for exercise. My life was very simple and boring. I loved it
My sister lived 2 hrs away, so I would go see her a few days a week and my parents would come up on weekends. Other than that I was by myself and it was wonderful. No chatter, no drama, just me, myself, and I.
By August 2018, I had lost 20lbs and was feeling more myself for the first time in years. I decided to stay for a few more months over the winter, so I needed to get a part-time job for food money (1-2 days a week). I applied at the retirement home in town and ended up getting a job as a part-timer server ( I still work there). By the following summer, I had lost 60lbs and was working full-time at the retirement home as a server/recreation coordinator. My sister had also given birth to a beautiful baby girl (with who I spend all my free time with now). I decided to stay. I traded life in Vancouver for small-town living with a population of 3,000 people.
Me in April 2018 at 253lbs exhausted and sick vs me in August 2019 at 190lbs and feeling rested and healthy
Everyone in life has struggles and hard times, some more than others. I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking wow she’s been through a lot. Others might be reading this and thinking why is she complaining, that is nothing compared to what I’ve been through, which I’m sure is very true.
The point is that no matter how big or small your struggles are you can not let your past memories control your future happiness. It’s not easy to forget/forgive and move on, but it’s important to make the effort. I’m still working on it myself,
By 2020 I finally started to feel like my old self but stronger and wiser. I was fully ready to start living my life again. I felt excitement for my future, something that I have not felt in years. But we were having the worst winter in years in the Shuswap -20c every day, with daily power outages, blizzards, lots, and lots of snow. Essentially the town was snowed in all of January and February. So I knew spring 2020 would be my year to finally live my life. Oh, wait Covid-19
Covid -19
To be honest, I have been very fortunate during the pandemic. I live in a small community, where most of the stores were able to stay in operation. I have spent my days off with my beautiful niece, who has brought so much joy to our family. And I have a great job where I spend my days surrounded by amazing people ( co-workers and residents). Not to say that working in a retirement home during a pandemic didn’t create an interesting work environment, but we had no outbreaks during the pandemic and everyone stayed safe. I used this time to really focus on my inner growth and find out what I want out of life.
I think that is it for now
wow, I was not expecting this to be so long. As soon as I started writing I could not stop. I have never put into words my past struggles, but this process has let me release things I have held onto. Now that I have put it into writing, I feel like I can let it all go and there is no need to revisit it. I have said what I needed to say.
I no longer want to use my past as an excuse not to enjoy my life, I may have missed out and sacrificed a lot, but that doesn’t been I can not enjoy my life moving forward. I just have to learn to set boundaries and make the right choices for my mental and physical well-being.
Over the last 10 years, I have learned that sometimes in life you have to be a little selfish and focus on what you need to be happy and fulfilled. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there for people when they need you, but you have to develop healthy boundaries, or else you will sacrifice more than you intend for people you care about.
Listen to your body, it will let you know when you are sacrificing too much.