If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone with a fearful avoidant attachment then you know how frustrating it can be to build a meaningful relationship with them, since the person is very skilled at shutting down and hiding their feelings from others. The irony is that these people have the most love to give but just are too afraid to show it.
So why are they so afraid to let people see who they are on the inside? and how do you heal an avoidant attachment disorder?
Understanding Avoidant Attachment In Adults
your attachment style is how you develop relationships with the people in your life. When you have a healthy attachment with someone (like family, friends, or co-workers), it is easier to feel safe, secure, and valued as a person. This kind of positive connection helps you form meaningful relationships and create positive life experiences.
Whereas an unhealthy avoidant attachment style, has the opposite effect, you may feel on guard even around the people who are closest to you, constantly worried that something bad will happen or even that someone may even hurt you. This type of behavior will hinder your ability to form healthy relationships and even sabotage opportunities for personal growth in your life.
Avoidant attachment is one of the main 4 attachment styles. John Bowlby first developed an attachment theory in the 1950s that has since expanded into four main styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.
These attachment styles help define how we react within relationships with other people.
what are the 4 attachment styles?
Secure Attachment
This is the most common attachment style. People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy, trust others and themselves, and feel confident that their needs will be met by others.
Ambivalent Attachment
People who exhibit this type of behavior tend to have intense emotional reactions when they’re not able to get what they want from someone else; they’re also likely to feel abandoned if the relationship ends or changes in any way.
Disorganized Attachment
People with this type of attachment tend to have a history of inconsistent caregiving that has left them feeling insecure and unsure about how to interpret other people’s behavior. They may be afraid of intimacy or have trouble forming stable bonds with others because they don’t know what kind of reaction is appropriate in any given situation even themselves.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant individuals fear rejection and aren’t comfortable depending on others for support or affection; as such, they may avoid getting close at all costs by pushing people away before those relationships have time to develop into something more substantial than casual acquaintanceships (or even friendships).
Attachment theory states that early life experiences affect the way we interact with others as adults. If you were raised by parents who were emotionally unavailable or didn’t respond to your needs, this can cause you to see others as untrustworthy or unreliable.
If you suffer from avoidant attachment disorder, you may have experienced the following in childhood
- Did not have emotional or physical needs met by primary caregivers
- Grew up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged
- Experiencing emotional neglect or physical abuse
- Grew up in an unstable or unpredictable environment
- Had parents or caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent in their caregiving
As a result, you may struggle with forming close relationships in adulthood. This can be true even if your parents were loving and supportive.
If parents/caregivers don’t teach their children how to communicate openly about feelings and needs, it will likely cause those children trouble later on in life when they try to build relationships with other people.
Do you have an avoidant attachment style?
If you have an avoidant attachment style, it may be difficult for you to form close relationships with other people because despite being highly sensitive and empathic towards others, you still feel that they can’t understand what your going through.
Related: Do You Feel Invisible? 6 Useful Tips That Will Make You Standout
This can make it hard for you to open up about your problems because you’re afraid that other people will be annoyed or bothered by what you talk about, and therefore feel guilty for “wasting their time” on your problems.
In order to figure out if you have an avoidant attachment disorder, ask yourself the following questions.
Do I have difficulty forming close and intimate relationships?
Do I find myself pushing others away or avoiding close relationships?
Do I struggle to express my emotions and be vulnerable with others?
Do I have trouble trusting others and relying on them for emotional support?
Do I have a hard time asking for help or support from others?
Do I value my independence and self-sufficiency over close relationships?
Do I fear rejection or abandonment in relationships?
Do I have difficulty understanding and identifying my own emotions?
Do I find it hard to form emotional connections with others?
It’s also important to note that having some of these traits or even an avoidant attachment disorder doesn’t mean that you’re weak or flawed, it’s just a different way of relating to others that can be worked on with therapy and self-work.
These questions are no substitute for a professional evaluation. If you feel like you can relate to these questions and want to heal avoidant attachment issues you may want to contact a mental health professional in order to have an official diagnosis.
Avoidant Attachment In Relationships
When you’re in a relationship with someone who has avoidant attachment, you will find it challenging to communicate with them.
This is because people with avoidant attachments tend to feel a deep sense of rejection or abandonment, which can cause them to close off and not be able to talk about their feelings. As a result, they may avoid romantic relationships altogether or push potential partners away when they start to get too close.
Since people with an avoidant attachment style have difficulty expressing their emotions and being vulnerable, they find it hard to communicate their own needs or feelings in a relationship with someone. This eventually leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness and reaffirms their own beliefs they have about no one caring about them.
Related: Why is Self-Image Important? 11 Ways to Feel Better About Who You Are.
Additionally, if you are in a relationship with a person who exhibits avoidant traits you may also start to feel like you are not getting the emotional support you need, and this will lead to feeling like you don’t matter or that the person doesn’t care about you.
This pattern of behavior can cause problems in many areas of a relationship if not addressed immediately: Such As
- Unable to form a close and intimate connection
- A constant fear of rejection or abandonment
- Difficulty expressing emotions and vulnerability
- Difficulty trusting the partner and relying on them for emotional support
- Constant feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem
- Unable to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner
- Difficulty in understanding and meeting the emotional needs of the partner
- Difficulty in committing to the relationship
- Difficulty in being emotionally available and responsive to the partner.
It can be challenging to maintain a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, as they are constantly afraid of being abandoned or rejected and not able to express their emotions or be vulnerable.
That’s why it’s important for both partners to understand and recognize the impact of having an avoidant attachment style can have on the relationship, and how to work together to find ways to overcome these challenges.
The Impact of Avoidant Attachment on the Partner
When you’re in a relationship with someone who has a fearful avoidant attachment, it can be difficult to form and maintain a close and intimate connection. You may find yourself wondering if your partner truly loves you. or even doubt their feelings for you and feel like they don’t care about your needs.
If that was not hard enough on the other spectrum when you try to get your partner to talk about their feelings or express them toward you, it can feel like they’re shutting down.
But you must understand that avoidant attachment is a coping mechanism and that is not necessarily intentional or deliberate on their part; rather, it’s an innate reaction based on how they were raised as a child and what kind of experiences they’ve had in life.
The important thing is that you don’t take it personally. As long as you understand their behavior and how it affects your relationship, you can develop strategies to help each other feel safer in expressing your feelings.
10 Strategies to use with an avoidant attachment in adult relationships
Build Trust: One of the most important things you can do to help your partner feel more secure is to communicate clearly and frequently. It’s important for them to know that they can count on you and that you will be there for them when they need support.
Communication: If you’re feeling frustrated or angry, it’s important to communicate this to your partner. They may not even realize that they’ve done anything wrong! Communication is key for building trust and intimacy in any relationship. It can also help you find ways to resolve conflicts more quickly and effectively
Patience: You have to be willing to give your partner time and space to figure out what they need from you, especially if you’re in the early stages of dating or just starting a new relationship. It can also help them feel more secure if you let them know that they don’t need to prove themselves worthy of your trust right away—they just need to be honest with themselves about what they want.
Self-Care: A go-to self-care routine is important because it helps you avoid getting overwhelmed by your emotions and helps you maintain a healthy perspective on the situation. If you’re feeling upset or angry, take some time alone to cool off before talking with your partner again.
Professional Help: Consider seeking counseling or therapy to work through any issues related to avoidant attachment in your relationship. This can be beneficial for both partners—and may help you build skills that will make your future relationships more satisfying.
Empathy: Try to understand and empathize with the person who feels avoidant. They may not be aware of how their attachment style affects others, as this pattern was developed early in life.
Respect Boundaries: It is important to respect the personal space and autonomy of avoidant people. Do not push them to open up or become more emotionally involved than they are comfortable with.
Gradual Approach: Take it slow. Avoidant people often fear commitment, so you have to build the relationship gradually—and let them set the pace.
Give Them Time: People who are avoidant in their relationships may need more time to work through the emotions that a new relationship evokes. Give them space and allow them to confront these feelings at their own pace.
Encourage self-reflection: Encourage the avoidant person in your relationship to think about how their attachment style affects the dynamics between the two of you.
It’s important to note that these types of issues aren’t always present in every relationship where one person has avoidant attachment; however, if there are significant problems within yours then working together as a team will help strengthen you and your partner’s bond.
Related: The 6 Stages Of Emotional Healing. How To Heal From Emotional Wounds.
How to Heal Avoidant Attachment style
If you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, it can be challenging to trust others and form emotional bonds. But there are ways to heal avoidant attachment and learn to be vulnerable.
These are the 3 areas I would recommend you focus on as you start your healing journey. Remember, this is just the beginning; Since a healing journey is lifelong!
To heal your wounded inner child, the first thing you need to do is recognize its existence and acknowledge that it is in pain. The second step is taking actions that will make your inner child feel safe and loved.
1. Becoming Self-aware
The first step to healing your avoidant attachment style is to understand the underlying causes that lead you to develop an avoidant personality.
For most people, this style of attachment was formed in childhood as a coping mechanism, but it can also be possible for someone to adopt it later in life as a result of traumatic experiences or other forms of emotional pain.
Inner Child Work
One of the best ways to get to the root cause of your avoidant issues is to do inner child work to find out when your avoidant issues first started.
Related: Shadow Self- Why You Need To Embrace Your Darkside
In attachment theory, the inner child refers to a person’s emotional state during childhood and how they respond emotionally as adults.
If someone develops an unhealthy attachment style it is usually due to their younger self trying to cope with a poor relationship with a primary caregiver or trying to survive in a chaotic home environment.
A variety of inner child work exercises can be used to address childhood trauma and unresolved emotions, helping people understand and process their past.
These 5 inner child exercises are a perfect place to start your inner healing journey
- Writing Exercises: Journaling is a great way to explore your inner child’s thoughts and feelings. You can write about what your childhood was like, how you felt about certain events or people, and how you would have handled things differently as an adult.
- Art Therapy: This method uses art materials to express and process emotions related to one’s inner child. A person may create a collage, drawing, or painting as a way of expressing these feelings and gaining insight into unresolved issues.
- Affirmation: This technique involves the use of positive self-talk and statements to counteract negative beliefs and emotions related to one’s inner child.
- Mindfulness: is the practice of being present and aware of one’s thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations in the present moment. Mindfulness can be used to help individuals identify and process feelings related to their inner child, by bringing awareness to their emotions and learning to observe them without judgment.
- Body Movement: This method uses movement and physical activity to access emotions related to the inner child. This can include forms of dance, yoga, or other movement therapies that can help individuals release and process emotions.
For more on Inner Child Work: 35 practical tools for growing beyond your past.
2.Learn how to manage emotions
If you were raised with an avoidant attachment style, it may be difficult for you to manage and express your emotions in a healthy way—especially if family members or caregivers discouraged expressing your emotions when you were a child.
There are a number of ways to manage your emotions but you first need to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy emotions. While many people experience both, healthy emotions are what helps us maintain our relationships — something that avoidant people often struggle with.
Learning how to manage emotions is a skill that can be learned and practiced over time. It’s important to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy emotions because what we feel is often caused by our thoughts and beliefs.
Healthy vs Unhealthy Emotions:
- Healthy Emotions help us cope with challenges and move forward in life.
Unhealthy Emotions are destructive and often lead to stress, anxiety, and depression.
Managing emotions can be challenging, but there are several techniques that you can use to help yourself.
Identify and label your emotions
Describing emotions in detail or using a mood journal to track your feelings can be helpful when you want to understand and process your emotions.
Practice Breathwork
Breathwork is a powerful tool for managing emotions. It can help you release tension and stress while calming your mind and body
Practice self-compassion
Try to be compassionate toward yourself when you’re feeling emotional. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel as you do, and remind yourself that all emotions are normal.
Engage in physical activity
Physical activity can help endorphins flood your brain, resulting in a better mood and reduced feelings of stress
Get enough sleep
Lack of sleep can make you feel stressed, anxious, and depressed. It also makes it harder for your brain to process information and problem solve effectively
Seek support
Talking to someone you trust about what you feel can be a great way to process and manage your emotions.
Practice relaxation techniques
Yoga, meditation, and other relaxation techniques can help you calm your body and mind and reduce feelings of stress or anxiety.
What works for one person may not work for another, so it’s important to experiment with different techniques until you find the ones that suit your needs.
Learn to express emotions and be vulnerable
There is no denying that expressing emotions comes naturally to some people well other people struggle with letting people see their true feelings. If you are someone who struggles with expressing emotions, it’s important to understand that it is not an easy skill to master.
You will not be good at this right away, but with practice, you can improve your ability over time by learning new skills and practicing them regularly.
A few ways someone can learn how to express their feelings better are:
- Through therapy or counseling sessions with a professional who understands avoidant attachment style (this can help build trust)
- Reading books about the topic of healthy communication skills (this gives you new ideas)
- Talking with friends about what works for them when it comes down to understanding each other’s needs
- Through journaling (this allows you to get all of your feelings out on paper and see how they relate to each other)
- Communicate effectively: When expressing your feelings, use “I” statements and be as specific as possible. It’s less accusatory to say “I feel angry when you do that,” than it is to accuse someone of making you mad.
Remember expressing emotions and being vulnerable can be challenging, but it is an essential part of building healthy relationships and developing healthy relationships
Related: Do You Feel Invisible? 6 Useful Tips That Will Make You Standout
Many of us have learned to suppress our emotions, believing that vulnerability is a weakness. But this could not be further from the truth: learning to express your feelings and become more vulnerable can help you lead a fulfilling life.
If you’re struggling with a fearful avoidant attachment style and feel like you can not overcome it then it’s essential that you seek help. A therapist or counselor can help you understand the underlying causes of your avoidance and develop strategies to heal from them.
