Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that causes you to question your reality and doubt your own beliefs. There are 10 signs of gaslighting to look out for if you feel you are a victim of this narcissistic abuse.
A Narcissist will use gaslighting as a way to distract their victim from realizing they are being emotional abused and even turn the situation around to make the abuser feel like they are the one who is at fault.
Gaslighting can be intentional or unintentional and either form is a very effective means of gaining control over someone else emotions.
It’s important to note that gaslighting is not simply lying; it is an intentional attempt by one person (or group) to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, memory, or understanding of reality, essentially making them question their own thoughts or perceptions until they believe the false narrative that is presented by their abuser.
Related: What is Narcissistic Abuse: The 5 Narcissists that can ruin your life
Gaslighters make their victims question everything about themselves—their memories, perceptions, and even what they know to be true. They do this by telling convincing lies in order for them to sound convincing enough so that no one ever questions them. Some people who are natural liars may even exhibit unconscious gaslighting on the people not aware of the damage they are causing.
You might be wondering how a person can be so easily manipulated into doubting their own judgment or even perception of events.
Well, experienced gaslighters know how to do this through well-known gaslighting phrases that can make anyone self-doubt themselves. This will be covered in more detail below.
Or you can check out the list of 50+ gaslighting phrases Here
To be clear: gaslighting is not about having bad moods or disagreements in relationships and blaming another person when they are upset; it’s about one person willfully trying to make another person doubt their own perceptions and memory by making them believe they are “crazy.”
Gaslighting doesn’t just happen in relationships it can happen in professional contexts or even personal friendships. This is why you need to know the 10 signs of gaslighting if you think you are dealing with someone who’s engaging in this form of emotional manipulation.
Warning Signs of Narcissist Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that can cause you to feel confused, anxious, and/or depressed. It often involves making the victim question their own memories or even their reality. Most of the time gaslighting behavior is intentional but in some cases, a person can unconsciously gaslight someone.
Regardless of intent, gaslighting usually happens over time in order for the abuser to establish power over the victim. Narcissist gaslighting can make you feel like your emotions are irrational or like your perception is faulty—and thus, they become more powerful while you become more worn down.
Gaslighting is a form of serious emotional abuse and they do this by
- Invalidating your feelings.
- Make you doubt yourself and your perceptions of the world around you.
- Try to make you feel like what’s happening is all in your head
When the person being abused speaks up against this narcissist gaslighting they will invalidate, deny or minimize the victim’s feelings; for example,
- By telling them that they’re overreacting and need to calm down.
- Or sing a phrase such as “You misunderstood me! I was only joking.”
- Or “I didn’t mean it that way.”
- Or “You don’t understand my sense of humor,”
By making light of their offense they are trying to make their behavior seem more reasonable and less threatening. And at the same time make you feel like you are attacking them.
Gaslighting Phrases
Gaslighting phrases can be used in a variety of ways to manipulate someone into thinking they’re crazy or acting out of line.
These phrases may be spoken outright, or they can come in the form of an accusation—such as “you always overreact to things” or “you are really difficult to please.”
There are common phrases that you will experience when you confront a narcissist gaslighting behavior.
You're too sensitive
The gaslighter may tell you that you are overreacting, imagining things, or being oversensitive. They may even imply that something is wrong with your personality if they feel this way.
You're overreacting
The gaslighter will also point out how dramatic the situation has become and express disbelief that it could be such a big deal to you.
You're imagining things
If the gaslighter knows for sure their actions are wrong but feel compelled to cover them up, they might say that you remember things wrong
You're too emotional
Even though many people feel irrational at times when emotions run high, the gaslighter will accuse you of being overly emotional even if your confronting them in a calm and rational state
You're confused
This phrase is meant to make you feel inferior and less intelligent. The gaslighter knows that you'll be embarrassed by your lack of knowledge, so they will use this against you as well.
You don't care about me
This one is used when the gaslighter feels threatened by another person or something going on in their life outside their relationship with them
You're forgetful
The gaslighter will accuse you of not remembering something correctly or convince you that they told you something even if they know that they didn't tell you.
You're stupid
If you make a mistake, the gaslighter will use it to their advantage to point out how much smarter they are than you and how you need them
You're lying
The gaslighter might accuse you of lying about something that happened between them in order to discredit your account of events. They'll also accuse others of lying, which is another type of gaslighting.
You're the problem
The gaslighter might accuse you of being overly sensitive or taking everything personally and you are the reason you feel so bad.
Intentional vs Unintentional Gaslighting
The signs of both intentional and unintentional gaslighting can be hard to tell apart since at first glance both forms involve making someone doubt themselves in some way or another.
But when we understand the differences between these things and how they affect us, it gives us a better grasp on how to handle gaslighting.
So what is the difference between the two types of gaslighting? intentional gaslighting Vs. unintentional gaslighting
Unintentional gaslighting
Also, known as unconscious gaslighting is when some attacks your emotional or mental well-being, and the person didn’t intend for this to happen.
This can happen when someone else’s words or actions question your self-esteem, even though the person saying it didn’t mean to talk down to you. For instance, if someone unintentionally makes you feel bad about yourself with a remark or action such as saying ” why are you still single ” and is unaware of how hard you have been in your search to find someone.
Intentional gaslighting
This happens when someone attempts to manipulate another person by making them doubt their own sanity or perceptions by lying or convincing them that what they think is not correct. This type of gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and can be very damaging to your mental health
Are you a victim of gaslighting?
People who are being gaslighted or subjected to narcissist gaslighting may be led to believe that their perceptions, memories, and judgment are wrong in some way. It’s often used in relationships to control or manipulate the other person, with the gaslighter using denial, lies, and contradictory statements to make the victim feel confused, anxious, and dependent on them.
This type of abuse can be difficult to recognize because its effects are often minimized by mental illness (the victim might think they’re just imagining things) or rationalizing it by saying it’s “just” stress or anxiety.
Related: 20 examples of gaslighting in relationships.
Gaslighting can be subtle at first but it will escalate over time if left unchecked, eventually diminishing the victim’s sense of self-worth and sanity.
So You Need To Know The Warning Signs!
10 signs of gaslighting
1. The Are Always Liying to you
Gaslighters don’t just lie; they tell blatant lies. They may even do it in a way that seems like the truth, but if you dig deeper or talk to other people about it, you realize that the gaslighter is wrong.
Gaslighters also know how to manipulate your perceptions so that when they say something is true, you believe them. They might even imply that they have proof of their claims—but when you ask for evidence or search for proof yourself, there’s nothing there
2. They Deny their behavior
When you confront someone who has said something hurtful or made a false statement, they will deny it. They will use common narcissist phrases:
- You are misremembering what was actually said; or
- That their words were not as harmful/dangerous/cruel as you have concluded.
This is a classic sign of gaslighting because it shows how manipulative the person can be and how much they want to control you. Wherever there is an argument or disagreement, this person will always try to discredit what you have said by playing the victim. You will hear them saying that you are making up lies about them or being too sensitive about their words.
3. They will use what you care about against you
When you’re subjected to narcissist gaslighting you will notice that they will start to use what you care about as ammunition against you.
- They will use your past experiences against you, as well as your friends and family.
- They will use your beliefs against you, as well as your values.
- They will use your dreams/goals against you
Gaslighters seem to have an uncanny ability to always find something wrong with anything that comes out of their victim’s mouth—no matter how positive the content may be! It doesn’t matter if it’s a compliment or an apology. If someone uses something you care about as ammunition against you, then it’s probably time to walk away from this toxic person!
4. they will emotionally wear you down
Gaslighters often repeat the same argument or issue, hoping that if they say something enough times you will start to doubt your own sanity—and lose trust in yourself.
This is because gaslighting relies on convincing someone that they can’t trust their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions by using gaslighting phrases such as you are “crazy” or “you are overreacting”.
They may even keep bringing up past events as evidence to support their point of view no matter unreverent it is or how many years ago it happened. They will use these gaslighting phrases to distract you from the real problem and make you doubt yourself.
They will even convince you that their opinion is more valid than yours (especially if they are in a position of power over you).
5. Their actions do not match their words
The hallmark of narcissist gaslighting is when someone makes big promises that are never fulfilled. When it’s time for them to deliver on a promise, they make excuses or just deny their promises altogether—which proves the point all over again: They will always make you feel like you are the problem.
Another way they will try to keep you under their control is by making threats or commitments and then never following through since they are never really committed to doing what they said or promised they would do.
They just want to be able to threaten and bully you into doing what they want so that they can feel in control of the situation (which makes them feel more powerful)
6. Confuse you with positive reinforcement
Gaslighters are masters of manipulation, and they’re able to do this because they know how to make you doubt yourself. One way they do this is by throwing in positive reinforcement, like compliments, fake apologies even love bombing, that makes you feel like they are a good person.
This may feel good at first—it’s hard not to feel good when someone tells you that you are important and loved, but ultimately, it’s just another tactic used to keep you controlled and confused about what’s really going on in the relationship.
Related: 7 Hidden Signs Of Manipulative Behaviours You May Not Be Aware Of.
7. Intentionally confuse you
Gaslighters know that confusion weakens people, and they use that power to manipulate others for personal gain. This form of psychological abuse is where the abuser manipulates information in an effort to achieve power and control over you. These gaslighters know that if you are confused, it makes it easier for them to put words into your mouth and take advantage of your sense of uncertainty.
If you are confused or unable to make decisions on your own, then the gaslighter has won. They have control of the situation because they know what will happen if a certain variable is changed; all they need to do is tweak that one thing so that everything stays in balance.
8. They Project
Projection is a defense mechanism that occurs when you blame something on someone else.
In this case, narcissists gaslighting a person projects their own feelings onto the victim and accuse them of what they themselves are guilty of. When an abuser starts accusing you of things like jealousy, possessiveness, anger issues, or needless drama—these are all signs that they’re projecting their own feelings onto you.
The gaslighter may also use projection as another way to make themselves feel better about their own behavior. They do this by making it seem like others were doing something wrong, but actually, they are at fault and will not own up to admitting there could ever be anything wrong with them.
9. They Turn People against you
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that attempts to turn other people against you by making them feel negative about you. They try to make it seem like you are the crazy one, or that their bad behavior is somehow your fault.
Gaslighters create stories about you and convince other people that they are true. They try to make you look like a bad person or the person who is responsible for their problems. They do this by telling people that you are lying about things that never happened in order to get them on your side.
10. They try to separate you from other people
They may try to make you feel guilty for spending time with friends, family or just being on your own. They will tell you that only they can understand or help you and that you should stop spending time with other people.
If that does not work, they will use some gaslighting phrases such as
- Why are you going out? are you mad at me?
- Why didn’t you answer phone calls? are you ignoring me?
- Why are you hanging out with them, you should have heard what they said about you
- your to good for those people, they don’t deserve you
They will use any means to separate you from the people closest to you. The easiest way to control someone is when they don’t have any other support or people in their life. These are the 10 signs of gaslighting, and if you experience any of these tactics with someone in your life, then it’s time to get distant from them.
Related: Are limiting beliefs holding your back? 6 tips to improve your emotional health
The Take-Away
It’s important to recognize the warning signs of narcissist gaslighting and the 10 signs of gaslighting. This is a dangerous form of emotional abuse even if it is unintentional gaslighting, it tricks you into believing that your ideas are not valid, and it can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and depression.
If you feel like you’re being gaslighted or if you suspect someone else is being gaslighted, remember these three things:
- Listen to your gut! If something doesn’t feel right in the relationship (or with yourself), it probably isn’t.
- If a person tries to make you feel bad about yourself or makes comments that belittle your perspective when discussing something important and personal—beware!
- If someone makes excuses for why their actions were wrong (“I was under so much stress at work”), they could be trying to justify their behavior without taking responsibility for what they did wrong and making amends (e.g., apologizing).
Protect yourself from gaslighting by identifying when it’s happening and why. Try to be aware of your own feelings, and make sure you aren’t making excuses for someone who hurts you or makes you feel bad about yourself.
Related: Do You Have A Victim Mentality? 7 Ways To Overcome Self-Victimization
